


Oh Memories (Where'd You Go?)

by ghostea



Series: Delimpcol's Rare Pair Creation Challenge Fics [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gadreel does bad things for good reasons, Gangs, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, love and all its troubles, mentions of abuse, not between Sam and Gadreel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 11:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7933165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostea/pseuds/ghostea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gadreel and Sam are young and in love, thinking they have the world in their pocket they run together. All too quickly do they find that life is not as predictable as they had planned it to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh Memories (Where'd You Go?)

Gadreel tried to curl tighter around Sam’s turning-frail and shivering body. Cars and sirens blotted out most of the nightlife of the city below and in this moment it was one of the few rare times he appreciated having an apartment so high up.

Sam’s body suddenly began racking with coughs, Gadreel silently sat up and pulled Sam up with him, resting Sam against his chest as he diligently and carefully fed the love of his life water in an attempt to stop the earth-shaking coughs that tore through Sam. An ambulance siren screeched into the night air below them, breaking the almost silence they shared. Gadreel tried counting Sam’s shaky breaths.

“Sam I-“

“Don’t, Gadreel, please don’t” Sam shuddered as the piles of blankets slipped off their bodies, the cold air hitting his cold-sweat covered body. Gadreel gently pulled Sam down, turning them on their sides so he could yet again cocoon Sam in his own body heat. He pressed a gentle, comforting kiss on Sam’s forehead, closing his eyes and breathing through his nose as he tried to gather his thoughts. He wanted to ask Sam if he was okay but he knew the answer, he wanted to ask Sam how he was feeling but he knew the answer to that one too. He was stuck. So stuck and confused and lost. It felt like the one person he loved was practically dying in his arms.

Sam kicked up such a fuss about going to hospitals, not wanting to pile up more bills onto their already startling stack. When Gadreel would manage to wrangle Sam into the beat-  
up truck Sam would give him the silent treatment. He would barely say a word until days later after the doctor’s appointment where Sam would break down and cry, finally letting Gadreel hold him again. Selfishly Gadreel loathed the day that they put Sam in the hospital to stay until an unseeable time in the future. Visiting hours clashed with work hours and he would never be able to hold Sam at night like this. But he knew the day was coming. Sam was not getting better. So he soaked up every second he could, rarely getting sleep to make sure Sam actually slept himself. 

Some days Gadreel was sure Sam no longer loved him, could see it in his eyes. The glow that had once been there had slowly diminished over the year as Sam grew sicker and sicker.

Where did it all go wrong?

“Do you remember the day we met?” Gadreel’s voice rumbled quietly

“I thought you were a mute you were so quiet” Gadreel could feel Sam smile against his chest and had to push the lump in his throat away, it had been so long since Sam had smiled.

“I think it was because I was enraptured by your beauty” they both knew that wasn’t the real reason. They didn’t want to talk about the real reason Gadreel barely muttered a single word.

“You’re such a poet sometimes” Gadreel smiled gently at began running his fingers through the sweat damp hair.

“I’m a romantic at heart” Sam hummed quietly in agreement, letting the now gentler almost silence wash over them, counting each other’s breaths. Unwillingly Gadreel was dragged into his thoughts.

The day he met Sam was almost like any other day, the only peculiarity being Sam himself. Gadreel was sweeping the church isles, it was a part of his penance for something he did not feel needed punishment. Never the less he was a good son and held fast. Sweeping the floors was far better than living on the streets after all. It was funny really, that he had found Sam napping in one of the pews that evening. Gadreel had hovered over the slightly younger boy, questioning on whether or not to wake him, obviously needing the sleep from his dark circled eyes and bedraggled nature. But Sam had awoken with a gasp, throwing himself away from Gadreel in shock, making Gadreel’s broom clatter to the ground, snapping through the stone silent air of the church. Sam had relaxed on noticing it was only another kid who had woken him up, flashing a rather sheepish yet dazzling smile at Gadreel.

“Sorry about that” Sam’s voice had been horse, probably from crying if the red eyes were anything to go by. Picking up Gadreel’s broom and handing it to him gingerly. Gadreel had nodded his thanks and just stared at the other boy.

“I’m Sam by the way” Sam was still smiling, Gadreel had felt his heart sing like a caged bird. It had never sounded so sweet before.

Gadreel’s attention was knocked back to reality when Sam started coughing more. Going to reach for the glass he noticed it was empty and cursed to himself, moving to extract himself from the bed to get more.

“I can, I can get it, Gad, I can get it” Gadreel shushed him quietly, kissing his forehead sweetly and running a hand through the brown locks once more.

“Let me, you need to rest, Sam” Sam’s physical struggle was nothing compared to what Gadreel could see fighting behind his eyes. Slipping out of the bed he hurriedly made his way to the kitchen, making a few subtle sounds as he went so Sam could follow him in his mind, knowing it comforted him far more to know where everyone was at all times in their home.

Walking into the living room-kitchen area he felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He did every time he took in their home. It wasn’t the smell of sickness that clung to the place like a cancerous growth but what filled their home. The unpainted walls sucked away precious heat and most of the items were stolen. He would never tell Sam that of course. But they were and it made Gadreel feel sick to the bone, knowing what he had done. He loved Sam and would do anything for him, even theft.

Things had started so well when they were young and in love. Gadreel laughed bitterly, he himself was barely twenty seven, Sam still a fresh twenty six year old.

Where did it all go wrong?

They had been out in Singers salvage yard, laying on the top of a pile of crushed, useless cars. The stars had been beautiful, insects were singing through the summer night heat and Gadreel was laying so close to Sam he could count each precious breath he took.

Sam had been babbling about stars and the stories around them, unaware that Gadreel was hanging off every word he uttered. Turning his head Sam had gasped quietly when he saw that Gadreel had been staring at him and not at the stars he had been so animatedly pointing at.

“Gad?” he had whispered, his hot breath brushing along Gadreel’s lips tantalisingly. Gadreel’s tongue involuntarily flicked out along his lips, his eyes mapping their way to Sam’s which were blown wide, the hazel a beautiful ring around the pupil.

“Gad I want to kiss you” Sam whispered

“I want to kiss you too” Gadreel replied just as quietly, fear shook through his body at the thoughts of being caught but it was quickly shoved aside for the warmth that flooded him at Sam’s radiant smile that Gadreel swore up and down God had made from sunbeams.

“What would you do if I asked you to kiss me?” Sam asked quietly, wonder wrapping itself around the passionate, almost unplaceable look.

“Then I would do so at every opportunity” they inched closer to one another

“What would do if I decided to run away?”

“Then I’d run with you” Sam’s breath hitched and he pushed past that final barrier and kissed Gadreel with all the love his heart could muster.  
After that it was like they had been shackled together, it was rare to find one without the other, even with having to sneak around a lot more. Gadreel’s father frowned on Gadreel and Sam refused to let Gadreel meet his own. They planned their escape in all the detail they could between their shared kisses and hidden passion, hiding their brief escapes as studying together. Gadreel had never really thought of any sort of future, it had all been so blurred and terrifying, he was content to help out at the church with his other adopted brothers and sisters. But with Sam it was all so clear. They would get into a college together and get a scholarship to the same university. Sam wanted to study Law whilst Gadreel was drawn towards architecture. They both got as many jobs as they could work around school, hiding away the money for their grand departure which couldn’t come soon enough for them both.

It had been a sunny afternoon that Gadreel had bolted to their agreed meeting place, a quick goodbye to his favourite siblings as they slept before he had raced with all he had to where Sam had taken the beaten-up old truck Bobby had given him. Gadreel was going to miss the soft hearted man and he was damn sure Sam was as well. He hadn’t really had many personal belongings, you live in a house of so many that it’s all for one and one for all. It had been quieter when Gadreel’s father had separated him from the others after the incident. His duffle contained his clothes, wash-bag and the few books which had kept him company for all his years. Sam had been like a beacon in the distance that made every torturous step under the Texas summer sun worth it.

With a quick pit-stop to Singers Salvage they snuck around the back and dug up the money they had hidden behind the fence. And then they were gone with the wind.  
It had been tough, all the time they were fighting to have enough money and keep up their good grades for the scholarships they so desperately needed. But it had also been blissful, it had been free. Neither of them were stuck under the thumbs of their fathers, no watchful eyes burning holes deep into their souls. Just them. And that’s the way it was meant to be.

But once they got into Stanford it had gotten worse. Sam had to drop a job to keep up his grades and Gadreel got fired from both of his own when he had been caught stealing food. Sam had screamed at him then for stealing and Gadreel had screamed right back that they needed it. It was in the days of silence that followed that Gadreel found what was, at the time, a gold mine. A gang. Run by someone he used to know. Someone he used to love. Sam never had to know.

The gang got him more money than any two jobs he had ever had in his life. Gadreel knew he had to keep the sudden growth in wealth hidden but he couldn’t help himself at times. He wanted Sam to live a life where he didn’t have to worry if there was enough food in the fridge or that they could pay their bills. So if Sam ever grew suspicious at the fact that Gadreel sometimes cut classes to work a job he never spoke about and that they had leftover money from paying both the bills and food. Sam had frowned at the tattoos that had started appearing on Gadreel’s body and Gadreel prayed that Sam would never recognise the mark.

Unfortunately Sam had to find out one day. Gadreel had whisked Sam out on a date for valentines, some fancy, faceless restaurant that they never went to before. Sam had fidgeted the whole time whilst dressed in a suit more expensive than all his clothes combined and eating the most expensive food in his life. Gadreel fiddled with the ring in his pocket, his whole body was tense with anticipation for the right time. That time never came.

“Wow, Gad, you never said he was this pretty” a voice sing-songed from behind them. Gadreel froze and Sam frowned in confusion.

“Who are you?” Sam asked and Gadreel felt time slow and speed up all at once for the dreaded answer he knew was going to come.

“You, my pretty little doll face, can call me Lucifer” Sam’s face froze, darting his eyes between Lucifer and Gadreel. Lucifer simply smiled and pulled up a chair.

“Gad, I need to talk to you about tomorrows shipments, I tried dropping by your apartment for one of our check-ups but you weren’t home, had one of my boys tell me you were off playing dress-up with your boy toy at this end of town and so, here I am” he gestured to himself like it was some sort of miracle. 

“Gadreel, what’s going on?” Sam asked nervously, Lucifer radiated danger, the wicked grin Lucifer sent to Sam made Gadreel want to vomit. Lucifer knew exactly what he was doing here. He was bored.

“Didn’t Gaddy here tell you? I don’t know why he wouldn’t, it’s a very important job, Gad makes sure that all my shipments get to where I want them to go, ain’t that right, Gadreel?” he sent Gadreel a shark like grin before turning his body fully towards Sam, leaning in with a leering smirk.

“And I’m guessing, Sammy boy, that you know exactly who I am and what I do” Sam nodded, defiance mixed with fear in his eyes. Lucifer clapped his hands and laughed.

“This is just too precious” he guffawed to himself loudly before standing back up “well, I best be off now, I hope I didn’t disrupt your evening too much” his voice held no hint of apology whatsoever, he had gotten what he wanted “Good night, Lovebirds! Oh and Gad, give your toy a kiss from me would you?” Lucifer winked at Sam before sauntering off into the night.

Gadreel finally felt like he could breathe, his frozen body uncoiling, he turned to Sam to explain but his tongue was tying knots in his mouth. Sam was shaking. Sam was crying. Fat tears rolled down his scrunched face, his eyes were clouded with pain and betrayal. Gadreel tried taking his hand that had been left on the table but Sam snatched it away.

“Sam I- I did it for us, please, please understand that, Sam I- what was I meant to do? We needed the money and with this I’ve-“

“Do you even realise what you’ve done?” Sam said with a shaky voice “How much you’ve fucked up our lives by doing this?” Gadreel felt frustration and anger bubble inside of him.

“I was saving us”

“You were damning us” Sam snapped, eyes ablaze with anger “You do realise that you, a criminal, are dating a future lawyer, is this why you’ve been skipping classes? To- to work for that asshole?”

“He may not be what he once was but he has done a lot for us-“

“Yeah! What we’ll have to repay, you’ve put both me and you into that man’s pocket, Gadreel, why would you do that? Did you not think?!” Sam was growing hysterical and it was beginning to cause a scene, it was the last push on Gadreel’s lid that sent him spiralling into his anger and confusion and fear.

“I was thinking about you! I was thinking about keeping you alive and warm and fed!” Gadreel near on yelled “And look at us now, I wanted to take you out for dinner for valentines, we can actually do that now, Sam, you deserve that much at least!” Sam deflated at Gadreel’s words and looked at the ground.

“I’m going to go stay and Jess’ for a bit, call me when you’ve decided on what you want” and then Sam was gone. Gadreel returned home in a storm, breaking several things in his rage before he crumpled in the middle of the living room in tears. He needed Sam like he needed air but he couldn’t have Sam healthy if he didn’t have this job but then he couldn’t have Sam at all with the job and it wasn’t like he could just leave the gang, it didn’t work like that.

Gadreel ripped open the champagne he had bought for if things had gone the way he had wanted them to go this evening. Drinking it in record time it was enough to get him drunk enough to see the walls blur together.

Waking up the next morning had not been a pleasant event. Especially considering his job.

“Look who decided to show!” Lucifer grinned, arms wide in false welcome as Gadreel slouched over “would have thought your toy would have kicked up more of a fuss to be honest, bitches can be like that you see-“

“Shut. The. Hell. Up. Sam is neither a toy nor a bitch and after this job I want out” Lucifer’s childish glee suddenly snarled into a cold, twisted grimace.

“And what makes you think you can make demands like that?” Gadreel clicked his jaw, pushing at the fear that tried to swallow him whole as Lucifer’s piercing eyes drowned him.

“Because if you want this job done now, which I know you want, you need me, I want my pay and I want to be out of the gang” Lucifer sneered but nodded

“Alright then, big shot, you do this job you’re out of the gang” Gadreel nodded before staring at the designs of the bank he had stolen for Lucifer in order to break into a high security bank. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gadreel breathed a sigh of relief once he left the stolen vehicle and stood on solid land. The faceless driver disappeared and Gadreel took a deep breath before walking into the shadows of the abandoned trains. Lucifer had paid him straight into his bank account just as he promised. Right now he had a lot of walking to do and enough thinking time to decide what he was going to say when he turned up at Jessica’s door.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. 

Bright white numbers burned into his eyes. He didn’t know them but he knew who was on the other line.

“Hey Gadreel dearest, I’m so glad you could help me with that job, pity you had to leave, I’m going to miss having your pretty face around”

“What do you want, Lucifer?” Gadreel snarled coolly, the voice at the end of the line gave a fake gasp of shock

“Why Gad, after all we’ve been through do you not think I even deserve a goodbye?”

“What. Do. You. Want.”

“See, it’s that attitude you have, I love it but it’s also the thing that’s going to get you killed, or at least, your pretty little eye candy” Gadreel’s feet froze along with his heart.

“What have you done?” Gadreel whispered, Lucifer laughed like a school boy

“Seems like a pretty fiery kid, I just decided to put him in the right scenery, also read up he has a fun history with house fires” Gadreel felt all of the air being punched out of him in a single blow “Shame really, he would have been a nice little asset to have in the long run, but I can’t have my little workers thinking I’ll be soft if they start giving me lip like you did in front of them, so the American sweetheart had to go” Gadreel felt anger rise

“Listen here you sick son of a bitch, I have no idea how you became the monster you’ve become but I can sure as hell tell you that if Sam is- if Sam is dead then I will find you and carve your heart out” Lucifer chuckle ran through his spine like ice

“Don’t make kinky promises you can’t keep, I’ll see you around sweet thing” And the line went dead. Gadreel had all but bolted to the city hospital, fearing the worst of the worst. He didn’t think he could live in a world without Sam. Sam was the reason he was even here and not rotting away in some dusty nobody town. 

Getting a taxi as fast as soon as he could the idle chatter the driver had tried to start had been met with thorns and barbs. The wait in the petrol reeking taxi was almost as bad as the wait in the hospital’s sterile plastic chairs. What would he do if Sam was gone? This was all his fault, if he had just persevered like Sam had then they could have been well and fine. But in the back of Gadreel’s mind he knew that that had been the only reason he and Sam had not been kicked out of their apartment and living on the streets.

“Gadreel Milton? Sam can see you now” relief and dread filled his heart, the adrenaline rush that had been keeping him alive for all these hours was washed away with one sigh leaving him numb and exhausted.

“Gad? You okay?” Sam asked weakly from the doorway, leaning up against its side. Gadreel snapped around and the sight of Sam’s frail, burn healing body made him sick to his very core. The glass was still empty in his hand.

“I’m fine, I just got lost” Sam smiled and walked towards him like he was treading on thin ice.

“That’s okay, Gad, I’ll be here to find you” Sam cupped his face and gently kissed his lips, Gadreel felt the overwhelming love in him for this man before him reach forward to follow Sam’s lips with his own, wrapping his arms gently but firmly around Sam’s body, cradling him closer before he runs away.

Sam smiled like he did when they were teenagers as they kissed and Gadreel smiled too, happy to just be in this moment for as long as he could be. Sam pushed him away as hard as he could which felt like a strong breeze pushing at his chest. Blood splattered on the carpet and dribbled down Sam’s lips as the coughs shook his body like a small, weak tree in a hurricane.

“Sam-“

“Don’t, Gadreel, its fine, I’ll be fine” Sam tried to smile again but failed in his efforts. Gadreel softly kissed his forehead and closed his eyes before he could let the tears fall from his face. Sam’s life was in shambles and he was the one trying to reassure him. Gadreel didn’t feel that he had a right to cry, at least not in front of Sam or anyone else but selfishly whenever he could hide away from the world in either his workplaces dark storage room or when it rained hard enough when he walked from place to place. Gadreel went to lead back to the safety of their bedroom but Sam stopped him.

“No, I can’t go back to bed, not yet, maybe we can just lie on the sofa together?”

“Of course, Sam, whatever you need” Gadreel gently lead him over to the sofa, lying the frail man across his chest so his head was nestled into his neck and he could tuck the slightly taller man under his chin. They laid together in darkness, listening to each other’s breathing until Gadreel heard Sam’s even out a little from his weak and erratic breathing. So many emotions stormed at Gadreel’s body and mind that ultimately he felt numb and overwhelmed. 

Sam was dying.

Sam was going to die.

Closing his eyes tightly to prevent the tears he bent his neck slightly to kiss the top of Sam’s head. He hoped Sam wasn’t going to hate him more than he already did but he knew what he must do to keep the man he loved alive, even if it meant, in the long run, Sam would leave him and he would be left alone in the world, at least Sam would live.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gadreel had tucked himself behind the apartment, trying to calm his breathing as the phone rung by his ear. It had taken weeks to find someone to get someone to get him this call. Too long. Sam was spiralling and spiralling fast.

“Gadreel, what do I owe the pleasure of being contacted by one of Lucifer’s old favourites?” Gadreel snarled internally at hearing that name again.

“That’s something I have to offer, I am willing to stab Lucifer as many times as I can in the back for you if and only if, you pay for the medical treatment Sam needs” the man on the other end of the line sighed

“Hmm, I heard about your little upset with Lucifer, not a smart move on your part if I’m honest, but I’d be more than happy to get as much as I can on the scumbag and I have an opening spot for you as my personal body guard, that man has burned me- well, not as much as he burned you of course, not in the literal sense at least but I’d be happy to strike a deal with you” Gadreel knew he needed to be careful with his words, these people tended to have too many mind games being played all at once.

“What do you are offering?” Gadreel asked as confidently as he could, hating how his voice shook at the end.

“Here’s the deal and the only deal going I’m afraid, I’m a very busy person as you can imagine so you need to be snappish in your decision, you tell me all you know on Lucifer, help me stop his little plans and help my business run a little smoother, keep me safe from pesky little things like bullets and I will make sure Sam is right as rain in no time, best doctors they have, I’ll even make sure that all your other bills get paid, you should really just move out, the place you live is an absolute dump” Gadreel hated the idea of possibly dying for the British accented man but it was his only option.

“I accept but Sam must never know, ever” he winced as he put a little too much demand in his voice.

“Alright, alright, keep your knickers on, your little Sam will never know, I’ll be extra sneaky about it all, you just have to make sure he goes to all his little appointments and follows the doctor’s orders like a good little boy, I’m sure he can handle that” Gadreel wanted to be sick with how thorough the man was with picking through their lives.

“Then we have a deal?”

“I’ll be in touch” the line went dead. Gadreel crumpled down next to the gritty floor and stared up at the sliver of sky between the towering buildings of grey concrete. He hoped Sam could forgive him.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the rarepaircreationschallenge and this months prompt was 'Songs'. The song that inspired this fic was 'Memories' by 'Panic! At The Disco'. I hate making Lucifer the bad guy like this (not that he's a good guy even if he is misunderstood and what not) but I found most of my inspiration for him from hallucifer's behaviour. I hope you enjoyed reading it! I know I enjoyed writing it, Sadreel is one of my favourites I just don't write enough of. If you would like to suggest a prompt and/or ship you can find me either at delimpcol or deliciouslyimpossiblecolour on tumblr.


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